::set out for a great adventure::

it's over. over. my second year at mcgill, the weeks of little to no sleep, the tears of my insuffiency, the waking up knowing that there's nothing that would happen that day to make me happy...it's over. for now. for four months anyway. it feels...light. i guess light is the right word. i woke up this morning knowing there was absolutely nothing i had to get out of bed for. that i could just be there as long as i wanted...drift in and out of sleep at my leisure until i was ready to move...it was glorious.

but there are downsides to finishing what has turned out to be a less than fulfilling school year. after my last final, receiving yet another b- paper that i worked my ass off on, after writing an essay on my final, finishing it, and realizing that i could have done a much better one if i'd picked different writers, i walked back to the metro station with vanessa in mostly silence because through my mind ran the endless criticisms that my papers had received, the lack of clarity have for what my future will become, everything that has made my life a giant nightmare for the past year or so. and i wanted to cry. the skies were overcast, it was cold, it felt more like november than the end of april, and in my head, things felt more scattered than they ever have before. i wanted to cry. just sit down on the middle of the sidewalk on rue mcgill college and let it all out, because i havent let myself cry in ages. my dog is sick, really sick, she's been my best friend since i was 12...school is one big mess, i feel like i've fucked the rest of my years here up with shitty grades that i can at least say i tried really hard for, which worries me. for the first time in a long time, i feel stupid. actually stupid. below average. like i dont belong at one of the top 10 universities in the world. i feel like all those honors awards all those remarks about my intelligence are no longer applicable in this world of constant let downs. i dont want to feel like this. but i do. i feel like im on the wrong path to whatever long-term happiness i hope to gain, i feel like it's too late to try and change things...not for another two years anyway. i feel like i need time to figure this all out. just time. i want to travel, i want to find something that truly inspires me, i want to learn how to play an instrument, i want to be able to sing in front of people again. i miss everything that used to make me feel like more than a number in a sea of english majors who are all much smarter than i am. i dont want to be on a path of constant mediocrity anymore. i want to excell..at something. just something to make me feel like i am someone special, because right now, i am at a point where i understand why no one wants to be with me. im just...everyone. ideas like this dont really squeeze their way into my mind as of lately. i've been happy. really. i love life, i love a lot of things about montreal, my friends, how lucky i am to just come home to a house and food and all that...but at the same time something is missing.

it could be that i just saw the arcade fire last night, the best show of my entire life. those are people who are inspired and make beautiful music and have FUN. maybe i should just learn how to play instrument and start a band and go on tour. yes. good plan.

gibberish. i'm talking gibberish. but i want something more than piles and piles of books and papers that i hate writing and no matter how hard i work on them, theyre never enough. so something will change. what that is, i dont know. but rest assured, something is going to change.